Nova Memorias
by SaccharineLittleThing
Summary: Nova Memorias - to make New Memories. Which is exactly what Amanda has to do because her old ones are gone, thanks to a rogue perp. Luckily, she has Olivia and her daughter Jessie to help out with that situation. Current season Rolivia. Jessie but no Noah or Frannie. M for later chapters. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**If you read Like A Phoenix (my other story), you'll know that, try as I might to make things angsty, fluff and romance seems to be the only things these fingers can produce. Lucky for you, I suppose. ;)**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 _ **Nova Memorias; New Memories**_

 **Chapter One.**

The first thing Amanda is aware of in this odd setting is the nervous energy. Not her nerves; but the people's around her.

She knows that she's in a hospital, that much is clear. She just doesn't know exactly why. Or how. Or when the hell she even got here.

Her head throbs like she had been hit by a bus, and the thought that maybe she _did_ get hit by a bus flits through her aching brain. She lets her blurry vision— _has she always had blurry vision?—_ focus on the man and woman talking near the entrance of her private room.

She wishes she has enough energy to focus on what exactly they're saying.

She must have made a noise in her effort to eavesdrop because seconds later, the woman is making her way over to the bed, palms up. "Amanda," she breathes, and panic begins to set in.

This woman knows her. Why doesn't she remember?

There's a look in the older woman's deep brown eyes that tells Amanda that they are more than mere acquaintances. She's obviously not a doctor, not with that badge on her hip, but the way she had spoken her name—with such relief and concern and care tells Amanda that something is _very_ wrong in this moment.

"What-" Her own voice startled her. The scratchy, raspy noise that left her throat surely isn't what she'd expected.

"No, don't try and talk yet.. Fin could you get her some water?"

The man nods and makes his way over to the little sink in the corner of the room. The brown eyed woman sits in the chair next to the younger woman's bed and leans forward, elbows on her knees.

"You've been in a medically induced coma for about a week and a half, they pulled you out about an hour ago but your doctor said it would take a while for you to completely wake up." Brown Eyes says softly, and somehow, even though this woman is a complete stranger, Amanda feels an overwhelming surge of trust. Who _is_ she?

The older woman continues as Fin brings over a cup of water with a cute pink bendy straw, a smirk on his lips. Maybe thinking the woman they both know would roll her eyes or grimace at the girly color. She wishes she knew.

"Thanks." She manages, taking the cup and leaning forward a bit to drink the cool liquid. The feeling of the water trickling down her dry throat reminds her of _just_ how long she'd been without it. She coughs and Brown Eyes takes the cup from her.

"Amanda," She begins, leaning forward and placing a cautious hand on the younger woman's knee. "Are you.. Do you have any recollection of what happened?"

Amanda shakes her head and glances at Fin. He gives her a melancholy look but lets the brunette talk. She seems to be the authoritative figure in this equation.

"I-I can't remember much.." Amanda forces out. It feels like someone is taking a hammer to her brain as she tries to remember even a small detail of anything before this moment. "Must've been some hit to the head," she tries, dry lips cracking as she forces a smile.

What scares her the most is that _this_ feels like her very first memory.

What the fuck is _that_ all about?

The older woman tilts her head and there's a pained look on her face. "Several hits, Amanda. You were pushed down a flight of concrete stairs. You had a brain bleed and you've been in a medically induced coma while the swelling went down."

"Well shit." Is all she manages. Who the hell pushed her down stairs?

The brunette cracks a smile at that and she sighs with what Amanda assumes is relief.

Amanda swallows thickly and looks over at Fin, who smiles at her warmly. She looks back at Brown Eyes, "I don't want you to freak out," she starts, eyes searching deep chocolate pools, "I just.. I can't seem to remember who you are.."

Fin sighs from the corner, and she can tell that her words have disappointed them.

"Fin, go find her doctor please." The older woman commands softly, and Amanda can tell that she is trying desperately to hide her shock. She turns back to the younger woman and smiles tightly. "They told us that we shouldn't be surprised if you had some memory loss, but they never told us the extent of it. What _do_ you remember?"

Amanda thinks for a moment; not _too_ hard, she learned her lesson.

"I was born in Atlanta, my name is Amanda Rollins…" She pauses, and the severity of everything sets in.

She doesn't remember a damn thing.

"That's all?"

"...I'm sorry."

A tall man brushes into the room, an obligatory smile plastered on his tired face. "Lieutenant," he greets the older woman. "And look at you! Glad to see you're awake. I'm Dr. Bates."

She greets him silently as he goes through the mandatory steps of a checkup first, checking her heart, testing her eyes, pain tolerance questions. When he's done with that, he checks his clipboard for a moment, writing her progress down.

"Okay," he smiles, handing the clipboard to a nurse and crossing his arms. "So you're doing fine from what I can see so far… Your colleague Fin here tells me that you're having trouble with your memory. I'm going to ask a few questions, it's okay if you get them wrong, but I'd like to see how much you remember off the top of your head, okay?"

Amanda nods, glancing at the Lieutenant. She gives a reassuring smile and squeezes the younger woman's knee.

"What's your name?" Dr. Bates begins.

"Amanda Rollins."

"How old are you?"

"Thirty...four?"

"Good…where are you from?"

"Atlanta, Georgia."

He smiles, "What do you do for a living?"

"Um…" She looks at Fin's and the older woman's badges and shrugs. "I'm assuming police officer… Judging from my _colleagues'_ badges _."_

"You're a detective with Manhattan SVU." The older woman informs, letting the information sink in.

"Do you remember their names?" The doctor asks, patient as he waits for an answer.

She swallows thickly and shrugs, "That's Fin. I know 'cuz she said his name. And I don't know hers." She looks over at the older woman, "Sorry.."

Brown Eyes nods in understanding, a sad smile on her pretty lips as she looks at the doctor. He gestures to the Lieutenant, "This is your Lieutenant, Olivia Benson, and he," he points to Fin, "is your work partner I believe. Fin Tutuola."

She waves awkwardly at Fin, feeling tears form in the back of her eyes. This is a lot more frustrating than she thought it would be.

"Amanda?" Olivia's concern is bubbling over and the blonde shakes her head, reaching both hands up to press her palms against her temples. She wants to remember these people, her life, _what meal she had last_ , but nothing comes to her.

"My head hurts." She whispers, silent tears sliding down her cheeks. "Why can't I remember-"

"Hey.. It's okay.." Olivia soothes, voice calm. "Maybe just try to get some rest, you did really well."

She wants to bark at the older woman for speaking to her like a child, but she can't seem to conjure the energy for it; and maybe right now, she _is_ a child who needs looking after. The thought seems to impossibly exhaust her more, so she lets her head plop softly onto the overly fluffy pillow, blurry eyes staring at the wall across from her bed.

"Given your situation, you _have_ done well. Your reaction to everything has been surprisingly positive." The doctor tells her enthusiastically, pulling a needleless syringe out of his pocket.

She manages a weak smirk, "Give it a day. I'm sure there'll be a panic attack when I have the energy for it." She mutters dryly, watching him push the clear liquid into her IV.

He and Fin chuckle, Olivia hides her own little smirk.

"Looking forward to it," Dr. Bates winks, and Amanda likes him. She doesn't have any other doctors in her memory to compare him to but surely he's one of the better ones. "This will ease some of the pain but it'll make you drowsy. I suggest taking it easy, try not to put that brain of yours through too much thinking. Let me or a nurse know if you need anything." He tells her, a charismatic smile on his stubbled face.

It's quiet as he leaves the room. She lets her eyes slip closed, already feeling the effects of the pain medication taking it's sweet toll on her battered body.

"Just rest now, Amanda." Olivia tells her, voice so soft and dripping with honey. "We'll be here when you wake up."

One would think that after almost two weeks of being in an induced coma, then waking up with absolutely zero memory of 90% of your life, sleep would be the last thing on a very long list of needs. But instead, she welcomes the tempting bliss of slumber with open arms and an empty head.


	2. Chapter 2

_**I really like writing this story, so if you like it too, don't hesitate (please... don't...) to leave a review! Also I'm promising fluff and only a little bit of angst... Isn't that good? :***_

 _ **Disclaimer: I'm not a medical professional so if anything in this story regarding Amanda's trauma or the way Dr. Bates speaks is wrong, I apologize. I'm doing my best. Onward.**_

* * *

 **Chapter Two.**

When she wakes up for the second time since her accident, she feels remarkably better. Her eyes are still a bit unfocused but her head only throbs at a steady four out of ten (judging by the "ouch chart" Dr. Bates asked her to rate her pain with).

She's embarrassingly relieved that she even _remembers_ that she'd woken up a first time, that she remembers a few names and faces, her career; which is most likely now not really her career because she can't for the life of her figure out how to actually _detect_ things at the moment. She's also embarrassed about the fact that she's grateful that Olivia Benson is still in the chair next to her bed, relaxed with a file open on her lap and thick rimmed glasses nearly sliding off her nose as she dozes.

Amanda wonders how she can work with someone so beautiful and not be a rambling idiot, and then she thinks, for all she knows, that's _exactly_ what she was around this woman. Is the old Amanda gay? This new one sure feels a little bit gay.

She shakes the thought from her head and clears her throat. Olivia is supposedly her boss and it seems inappropriate to even be thinking like that. Reaching over to grab her cup of water, she takes a few long sips to ease the scratch in her underused throat.

"You're awake.." Comes that honey voice from beside her, and she jumps, spilling a bit of water down the front of her hideous hospital gown. Olivia reaches forward to take the cup and she hands the younger woman a few tissues from the box on the side table, "I'm sorry to startle you."

"It's alright." Amanda smiles slightly, "Where is the other guy.. Fin?"

"He went home to rest before his shift tonight."

"How long was I out for this time?"

"About twelve hours."

Amanda nods and leans back, wincing at the now obvious pain in her shoulder and ribs. She hadn't noticed earlier, most likely due to the fact that there was a drumline competition going on in between her skull and brain. Now, that pain has waned and she notices the throb that takes residence everywhere else, _very very much._

"Do you want some more pain medication?" The Lieutenant asks, concern visible in her expressive eyes.

"No.. I want to stay awake for a while. It's not _too_ unmanageable right now."

The older woman nods and bites her lip, closing the folder and shoving it into her purse on the floor. Amanda can sense that there's something the woman wants to tell her. Maybe she _is_ a good detective. "Will you tell me things?" She asks, hoping to get a little more insight on her life pre-accident.

"What do you want to know? I don't want to overwhelm you," She says softly, but Amanda shakes her head.

"It's overwhelming _not_ knowing."

It's quiet for a moment before Olivia starts, removing those attractive glasses and stuffing them into the breast pocket on her dark blazer.

"You're a wonderful detective, very dedicated and really good with victims. I'll be honest though, you had trouble following the rules. But you always got results, which I suppose is an upside to your ornery-ness." She smiles coyly, and Amanda revels in the comfort that comes with the smooth timbre of Olivia's voice. "You joined my unit about five years ago.. You moved here, to New York from Atlanta. You were a Vice detective there first, I think. I don't know for how long."

"I remember that I used to live there.. I just don't remember.. What I did, who I was with.." She shakes her head. "How the hell is that even possible? I know some things but I don't know others."

Olivia smiles in a way that seems less reassuring and more sad, tight lipped and head tilted. "I wish I could tell you. But no matter what happens, we're here for you. _I'm_ here for you."

Amanda inhales deeply, blowing out the tense breath. "Thank you." She relaxes back against her pillow. "Please keep going?"

Olivia nods, "I don't know much about your hobbies outside of work.. But I know you like to go running."

" _Running?"_ Just the thought of it makes her stiff bones and muscles ache.

"It's a great stress relief."

"I suppose stress brought on by work?"

Olivia smiles, "That seems to be a large source of stress for all of us, yes." Amanda smiles back, and the older woman pauses, almost as if contemplating whether or not she should say what she's thinking.

"Please tell me everything." Amanda pleads, tucking dry blonde hair behind her ear. She desperately craves a shower.

"You.. have a daughter. Her name is Jessie." Olivia admits, eyes soft. She rushes the next part out as if any moment, Amanda could be set off like a bomb. "She's with Sonny right now, another one of your colleagues. She usually stays with me but we didn't want to stress you or her out by bringing her just yet."

Amanda's eyes widen in horror. A daughter? "I- A _daughter_?" She breaths, voice full of panic and confusion. She tries to tamp her nerves, and Olivia takes the blonde's shaky hand in her warm ones, squeezing softly. That seems to help a bit and she takes deep breaths. "How am I supposed to take care of her if I don't even.. If I don't _remember_ her?" She asks breathlessly, "How am I supposed to take care of her _and_ myself?"

She can't stop the overwhelming feeling of incompetence wash over her. How the hell is she supposed to do anything?

"You don't have to do it alone, Amanda. I've had no problem taking care of her while you've been here. You don't need to rush back into _anything_ while you're recovering. We can take it all one day at a time."

Amanda lets tears fall, too weak to brush them away, and she nods. "How old is she?"

"She's almost two. Her birthday is in July."

"She's so young."

"Incredibly smart though. She knows a lot of words. She's started calling me _Ivv_ since she's been living with me." The older woman smiles proudly. "And she asks about mommy every day. She's ready to see you as soon as _you're_ ready."

Amanda smiles despite herself before a new thought slaps her in the face. "Her dad?"

Olivia shrugs, "I don't know the extent of your contact with Declan, but I haven't seen him around since before you told me you were pregnant." She leans forward, "But either way, you were doing a fantastic job on your own. I have no doubt you'll fall back into the mommy role effortlessly."

The brunette's faith in her is refreshing. She can't help the smile that falls upon her lips once again.

She just stares at the older woman for a moment, really takes her in. Amanda doesn't know how their relationship was before all of this, but they seem to be close. What boss would take their subordinate's child in like Olivia so graciously has?

"Were you and I close? We seem kinda close, at least from what I can tell right now."

Olivia bites her lip, "not at first. But over the years we've kind of.. I don't know, overcome our differences? We're closer now than before. Especially since you had Jessie. I've got a soft spot for that little girl." She smiles, hoping to ease the younger woman's frustration.

Amanda nods, then presses her eyes closed tightly, letting a steady breath out through her pursed lips. That's enough catching up for now.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asks with a lazy squeeze to her hand.

Amanda shakes her head. "I think I may need that medication now."

Olivia nods, letting go of the blonde's hand and leaning forward to press the assistance button on the side of Amanda's bed. As they wait for the doctor or a nurse to come, Olivia leans forward, linking their hands together again as if it's the most natural thing in the world. "I know this is all very confusing and overwhelming… But you're going to heal. Dr. Bates said that he sees no reason why you shouldn't get your memory back over the next few weeks or months, we just have to be patient."

"We?"

"Yes. _We._ " She smiles, pretty lips encasing white teeth. "And when you're ready, I'll bring that sweet little girl of yours over and you can meet your daughter."

Amanda sighs, eyes slipping closed in effort to keep the tears back. It doesn't work obviously, but at least she's in the safe confines of her eyelids. _Meet._ It's a harsh reality that she has a long road ahead of her.

She hears the doctor come back in, and without having to express her own pain, Olivia tells him that some more pain medication is needed. She takes over effortlessly, and Amanda is grateful.

This is going to be a hard recovery.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to those who comment, you're my little motivators! I have roughly 9 chapters of this story done (or mostly done) so REVIEW if you'd like to see them and the ones I plan on writing in the future! It means a lot when you guys tell me what you think!**

 **Now, without further ado..**

* * *

 **Chapter Three.**

Her first memory—or what she _assumes_ is a memory—comes in a dream. It's nothing important or crucial, she thinks, but it's _something_. And with the memory, comes a throbbing headache that nearly makes her toes curl. Like a contraction in her head.

Olivia brushes blonde bangs off her forehead, soft voice purring in her ear as the younger woman's face contorts in pain. Does this woman not have to go to work or something?

She hears the door fly open and Dr. Bates's voice asking what has happened.

"She was asleep and then she just started groaning, I-I don't.." Olivia's voice, despite the obvious panic, is relatively steady, and somehow, it tethers Amanda back from the blinding pain in her skull.

"It's alright. Migraines are common with head trauma." Dr. Bates reassures the older woman, and then his voice is directed at Amanda. "Amanda, can you try and take some deep breaths for me? I know it hurts but try and breathe."

She does as she's told, and the first ones are ragged and wheezy, but she feels a warm hand on her own and it steadys her. Breath after calming breath comes out, more even by the second, and finally, she can handle the pain, which is now a dull throb in the back of her head.

"That's it. Do you need some more morphine?"

She shakes her head weakly, "No.. No, I think I'm good." She breathes out through pursed lips, eyes moving toward the worried woman at her side. Her vision is astonishingly clear as she takes in the different clothes and hairstyle of the Lieutenant. She must've gone home while Amanda was out.

"Do you know what brought this headache on?" Olivia asks the doctor, who is checking her vitals. He holds a small light up to her pupils and hums, shaking his head. "Your heart rate is high but other than that, everything seems to be fine."

Amanda inhales shakily, "I think I had a memory."

Olivia looks shocked and Dr. Bates lets out an understanding 'ahhh'.

"It's.. I don't know if it's actually a memory, but I think it's what made my head hurt."

"What was it? Maybe I can help," Olivia tilts her head, thumb absently stroking the back of her friend's hand.

"I don't know for sure.. I think I was in a factory?"

Olivia leans back and a sour look crosses her face. "What?" Amanda asks, sitting up slightly despite the throb that accompanies the strenuous movement.

The older woman sighs, scratching her brow, "We were trying to find a perp in an abandoned factory.. That's where you fell down the stairs.. Where he pushed you." She shakes her head, "Is that all you remember?"

Amanda nods wordlessly, so it _was_ a memory.

"It's good news that you're starting to remember. The pain may be from the overworking of the hippocampus, which is the part that holds most long-term memories. The reason you remember some things, but not all, is because memory isn't stored in just one part of the brain. It'll take some time for your system to start functioning correctly again, but the fact that you're remembering things already, such as an episodic memory where you were injured, is really good." He tells both women confidently, a grin on his boyish face.

A nurse makes her way into the room with a cart full of supplies. Dr. Bates continues on in a doctorly manner, "we're going to go ahead and extubate you, that way you can start eating regular food. We'll also switch out your pain medication for a non-drowsy one so you can stay up for longer periods of time. I know you're probably tired of sleeping," He cracks, moving over to let the nurse do her job. "If you happen to get another memory and the pain is that severe, press this little button," He holds up a wire with a button attached to the end, "And it'll inject a dose of the pain killer."

He looks over at Olivia, "Make sure she doesn't do it more than once every three hours, though, okay?"

The older woman nods and the doctor makes his way out, bidding the women a nice afternoon.

They're quiet as the nurse changes out the medication and extracts the small feeding tube from the younger woman's abdomen, putting butterfly strips over the small incision.

"How do you feel? Any pain?" The young woman asks as she pulls Amanda's gown down and brings the covers back up over her lap.

"Not much. Thank you."

She wheels the cart out and Amanda can't help but look at Olivia, who seems utterly exhausted at this point. She looks beautiful, and the younger woman has a feeling that the older woman is always this stunning, exhausted or not.

"You're looking well." She cracks, earning a smirk and an eye roll. "When did you get here?"

"What do you mean?" Olivia asks, furrowing perfectly plucked brows in confusion.

"You're wearing different clothes and your hair isn't curly anymore. You went home right?"

The brunette arches a brow, "You must be a detective."

Amanda smiles weakly, "So I've been told."

"I got here a few hours before you woke up. You slept all through yesterday, so I decided to go to work for a bit, go home and take Jessie off Sonny's hands, grab a shower, some food, a night's sleep…" She lists off her day as if they do this all the time. As if they relay their day's events every night at the dinner table. It's comforting to Amanda, and she revels in the fact that she hasn't been alone through this difficult time.

"Good, you must not get a lot of sleep. Being a Lieutenant and all."

Olivia laughs, so sweet and melodic, Amanda almost leans forward as if that would bring on more of the infectious sound.

"It's doesn't give me much time for a full night's rest, that's for sure."

Amanda grimances, "And I'm sure taking care of a toddler off duty doesn't give you much time for.. Anything.."

"I find that it's a good stress reliever, actually. She's a good little girl." Olivia reassures, "She keeps me on my toes."

Amanda smiles back, looking at her lap where her fingers are picking at each other. "Do you.. Um. Have a.. Person..?"

"A person?"

A blush spreads over pale cheeks, "Like a Boyfriend.. Or a Husband." She doesn't know why she's asking, it's not really her business. But she tells herself she's asking for the sake of her daughter. She tells herself that and hopes it's convincing enough for herself.

"Oh.. No, I don't." An equally pink blush tints tanned cheeks. "It's been just me for a while now."

Amanda feels bad for asking. Who wants to be reminded that they're alone? Nobody. "Well now it's you and Jessie." She smiles, hoping to lighten the conversation. "And me, I suppose. I-I mean.. Assuming you're going to help me when I get out.." She shakes her head, eyebrows furrowing, "I shouldn't assume." She confirms to herself that she most definitely _is_ a rambling idiot around this woman.

"If that's what you want, Amanda. I am happy to help you. I know it won't be easy for you; you have a place in my home for as long as you need."

A fire spreads through her chest and she can't help the grateful smile that crosses her face. Something about being in the presence of this brown eyed woman brings a sense of calm and safety to the blonde, and she can't help but crave it. She knows that deep down, she _knows_ Olivia, but right in this moment, the older woman is a stranger. A stranger that's wiggling her way into a confused heart.

Before she can thank Olivia, a different nurse is wheeling in a tray of food, and the sight of the steaming plate of overcooked hospital food reminds her that she hasn't eaten a proper meal in weeks. Her stomach growls involuntarily and she hears the older woman chuckle off to the side.

"I hope you're hungry," The older nurse chirps, pressing the button on the side of Amanda's bed to sit her up. "Beef stew, mashed potatoes, buttered bread roll, and some jell-o. Oh and I talked the doctor into letting you have a cup of decaf coffee.. I know you detectives like your joe." She winks.

The coffee smells burnt, but somehow it doesn't really bother her. It's the scent of something familiar. Like an old friend. Her head throbs a bit.

"Fin's old partner, John Munch, used to make the worst coffee in the world." Olivia tells her as the older nurse leaves with the cart. "I don't think anyone could forget _that_. You used to call it gasoline." She laughs, eyes dancing with amusement.

It's like the older woman can read her thoughts.

"I think.. That actually sounds familiar." She sips the hot beverage, choking a bit at the taste, "This doesn't seem too far off from gasoline either." She takes another drink anyway. Her taste buds seem used to it.

"I'll bring you a fresh cup of real coffee tomorrow. I'll even make it half and half." She whispers conspiratorially, sending the younger woman a sly wink.

The younger woman hums appreciatively, "I don't know why that sounds amazing right now. It's just coffee."

Olivia smiles shyly, shrugging as she replies, "You've always had a soft spot for my coffee."

A blonde brow arches and a blush spreads over her cheeks.

"Is there anything else you want? I can't be here all the time but I don't want you to be bored.. Some books maybe?" Olivia asks quickly, if she noticed the blondes reaction, she didn't say or acknowledge it.

"What are books?"

A look of horror washes over Olivia's face and her mouth drops open, "Amanda-"

"Kidding! I'm kidding." she laughs at Olivia's scowl, finding it easy to tease the older woman. "Books would be nice. And I don't know.. Maybe a laptop, if I have one?"

"I'll have to ask Dr. Bates if you're allowed to have a computer since your headaches seem to be pretty intense, but otherwise, that should be fine. Maybe you can watch some movies on netflix to pass the time." She smiles, leaning back in her chair. "Coffee, books, laptop. Maybe some pajamas, if you want to be more comfortable?"

Amanda nods, "And a toothbrush. And maybe whatever bodywash and shampoo I have. Or any kind. It doesn't matter. I just feel icky." She smiles meekly, eyes casting down to her lap. Comatose sponge baths can only do so much.

Olivia laughs and nods, "You got it."

Amanda digs into her food then, which is now a bit cold, but she doesn't care. The stew tastes bland and the bread a bit stale, but she's never felt so happy to be eating (questionably) real food in her life. The life that feels like had just started two days ago. She hums, chewing slowly. "This is terrible." She takes another bite of the stew despite her words. Olivia laughs softly again and she smiles around a mouthful of food.

A fleeting thought crosses her mind as she polishes off her meal, unembarrassed at the pace in which she inhales her food. How could this woman not be taken by now? Of course, Olivia is the type of woman (Amanda assumes) who doesn't let anyone lock her down, but still. How could anyone not want to be around this kind, stunningly beautiful, caring woman all the damn time?

"Don't hurt yourself, Rollins," Olivia cracks, and Amanda clears her throat, accompanied with an eye roll.

"When do you have to go?"

Olivia looks at her wristwatch and licks her lips, "Not for a little while. I can stay if you want me to."

Amanda nods, "Yes, I want you to." She takes another sip of her terrible coffee and leans back in her bed. "Tell me more about Jessie."

Olivia's face brightens and she crosses her legs, getting comfortable in her chair. She must be tired of sitting by now. Maybe they can go on a walk soon.

"Last night while I was making dinner, she came into the kitchen and held her little arms out for me to pick her up. She kept saying _Ivv, up._ So bossy." She smirks, winking at the blonde. "She helped me make dinner. And by help, I mean she kept sticking her finger into the spaghetti sauce and holding it to my lips, saying _tase."_

An overwhelming amount of emotion surges through Amanda, and she can't figure out what it is. A feeling of longing maybe? Longing to know her daughter like that. Longing to know _Olivia_ like that. Longing to be part of those moments every day.

"You'll see her soon, Amanda." Olivia says softly, reaching over to wipe a tear that had traitorously slipped from a blue eye. The contact sends jolts of electricity through the blonde, and she lets her eyes slip closed.

"What if I can't reconnect with her? What if she hates me for not remembering her?"

"That won't happen. She misses you. You'll fall in love with her the second you see her again. I have no doubt."

And for now, she just has to take the Lieutenant's word for it. The conviction in her tone tells Amanda that she has no choice but to believe and accept it.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm getting discouraged with this story. I can't really tell if anyone likes it or not, but I suppose I'll keep updating until I give up on it. Let me know what you think, please! Reviews only take a second and they mean more than you know.**

 **Here's the next one, enjoy.**

* * *

 **Chapter Four.**

The next morning, Amanda is sitting up in bed eating her breakfast when Olivia knocks softly on the open door. "Good morning," She greets, smiling. In her hands are two bags and a to-go coffee mug, full of the things she'd offered to bring over the previous afternoon.

"Good morning," The blonde replies, returning the older woman's infectious smile.

"You're looking well this morning. How are you feeling?"

Amanda shrugs a shoulder, keeping in mind that the other one is still sore from her tumble, "I'm feeling better. I haven't had any bad headaches, which also means I haven't remembered anything else." She spoons more of her bland oatmeal into her mouth in effort to hide her disappointment.

Olivia nods in understanding, making her way to her designated chair. She takes a seat and leans forward, placing the to-go mug onto the tray hovering over the blonde's knees. "It'll take some time. For now, enjoy some half and half." She leans down and pulls out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, "Whenever you want to change into these, just let me know. I can help you or I can have a nurse come and help. Whichever you're more comfortable with." She smiles softly.

The younger woman holds up the shirt, noting the faded _Eagles_ band art printed across the front.

"It's funny that I can remember that _The Eagles_ is my favorite band, but not my own daughter." She says absentmindedly. Her throat dries up instantly, "I mean.. It's not really _funny._ It's just odd that my brain works like that right now." She shakes her head and drops her arms, the shirt crumpling over her blanket covered thighs. "Sorry." She sighs.

"I know what you meant, It's okay." The brunette tells her softly.

"Apparently the fall knocked the filter outta me."

"I don't think you ever had one." Olivia quips, effectively lightening the mood.

"So I sound like I was kind of a-"

Olivia shakes her head, cutting off whatever insult that was about to come out, "You were difficult at times, but it's mostly because you're passionate. Nobody can fault you for that, especially not yourself." She tilts her head a smirk spreading over her lips, "I _did_ mention you sometimes acted like an ornery child though, right?"

Amanda rolls her eyes, mumbling softly into her coffee, "It's come up."

They chat lightly while Amanda finishes her breakfast; Olivia updates her on how Jessie is doing, pulling out her phone to show the younger woman the many photos she's taken of the energetic little girl since taking her into her care.

"I think Dr. Bates may let you out sometime this week, so I wanted to ask you if you'd like to stay with me?" Amanda can tell the older woman is feigning confidence and nonchalance as she asks, but the blonde's silence is taken a completely different way and Olivia visibly shrinks, "or I could pack up Jessie's things and help you settle in at home."

The thought of going to her own apartment sounds appealing, but the constant throb, although not as bad today, is a reminder that taking care of herself _and_ a toddler would be challenging.

Plus, staying with Olivia sounds like heaven in itself.

"I think.." She starts, desperately hoping that she doesn't sound too eager, "maybe I should have you around for a little while. I don't even know how well I'll be able to walk yet, let alone raise myself and Jessie. If you'll have me, I'd like to stay with you." Despite her efforts, she blushes furiously and stares down at the lid of her travel mug.

"Like I said, I'm here as long as you need me." Olivia assures her, a genuine smile covering her entire face.

Seeing the way those brown eyes light up is totally worth the embarrassment.

"It's settled then. Lieutenant Benson will be dealing with _two_ Rollins toddlers."

Olivia's laugh bubbles out, so infectious as usual, that Amanda can't help but submit to the force of her own grin. Smiling feels like something foreign to her, it looks almost foreign on the other woman, and she ignores the thoughts that maybe they weren't this comfortable and open with each other B.A (before amnesia).

Maybe, out of all the frustration and difficulty that this entire situation has brought onto Amanda's life, one good thing that's come out of it is that she's getting close to someone who seems impossible to get close to. She's breaking down walls that at one point, seemed impenetrable.

She's seeing a woman who might not have been so easily seen before this.

She focuses back on the woman in question as she begins pulling item after item out, explaining unnecessarily what they can be used for and when she should use them. The detective in her that seems to have not wanted to leave tells her that she should let Olivia take care of her because this is what she is best at, and also perhaps what she doesn't get to do enough of.

She realizes quickly that the soft spot that's formed for the older woman hasn't just appeared within the past few days, but instead, has been there for a lot longer. These feelings run deeper, and she feels a spark of emotion for the woman sitting next to her.

Her head hurts.

…

Fin visits for a little over an hour later that day, bearing an expensive looking bouquet of flowers that he insists the entire squad pitched in for, but the surprise on Olivia's face upon seeing the wild flowers tells her that's not exactly true. She rolls with it though, figuring that this man works hard to keep his hardass attitude in check.

She's surprisingly sad when he stands up from the chair next to Olivia's and relays that he has to head back to work.

"Oh, but Liv, I brought you those files you wanted." He Lifts his jacket up and hands her the stack of manilla folders that had been hidden underneath the heavy leather. He bids both women goodbye, taking Amanda's hand in his and giving it a brotherly squeeze before sauntering out of the room with his natural swagger in tow.

"Do you have to go back to work too, Olivia?" She asks, finding that the sound of the older woman's name on her tongue somehow tastes sweet; she thinks she'll never tire of saying it.

"I do have to go in for a few hours later, but I can work from here. I brought my work laptop as well."

Amanda feels bad for keeping the brunette from her job, but she refrains from mentioning it, knowing that if she pushes, the older woman might actually leave. She selfishly doesn't want Olivia to leave yet.

"You should take a nap, and then when you wake up we can see about getting you up and out of bed." Olivia tells her. "We can probably get you into those PJ's when you get up, too. It'll be easier, I think."

"Do I _have_ to take a nap? I kind of want to try and walk around first. Maybe that'll tire me out enough to nap _after."_ Her theory is sound, but it somehow brings laughter out of the other woman. She furrows her brows in confusion.

"Now I know where Jessie gets her negotiation skills from." She cracks, a coy smile on her lips.

"We Rollins women have our charms, _thank you_."

Olivia shakes her head in feigned annoyance and stands up, a smile lingering on her lips, "Let me go find a nurse to help you out of the bed."

Amanda takes the free moment to watch Olivia walk out of the room, clad in form fitting slacks, a black blazer and a teal blouse. She looks utterly divine. The blonde wonders how the older woman dresses when she's not prepared to work at any moment.

Her thoughts are interrupted when Olivia and the nurse that took her feeding tube out come back in, closing the door behind them.

"Okay, Amanda. Dr. Bates said that it's okay for you to try and start regaining your physical strength. But keep in mind that because you've been in bed for two weeks, your limbs will be sore." She pulls out gloves and smiles, almost as if she's saying sorry. Amanda groans at the reason behind that sympathetic smile.

"Before you get up though, I have to remove your catheter."

Olivia clears her throat and Amanda groans. Without having to say anything, Olivia moves to the door, "I'll go get some of those socks so that you don't have to be barefoot. I'll be right back." Amanda smiles and nods tightly, glad that she was saved of the embarrassment of asking her to go outside.

"Okay, it's a really quick process, not a lot of pain. You'll just feel some pressure." She pushes the covers back and Amanda adjusts as carefully as she can so that the nurse can remove the tube. "I want you to take a deep breath in, and on the count of three, exhale."

It does happen quickly, and when Olivia returns, carrying pink socks with little grippy things on the bottom, Amanda only looks and feels a _little_ bit horrified.

"I wish I can forget that." She says to herself, only half joking. Olivia lets out a little chuckle and tears open the plastic containing the socks.

The nurse shakes her head at Amanda, "well at least it's over. Let's get you in these socks and then we'll start with the bathroom." she smiles, moving around to help Amanda sit up and turn her body so that her feet are hanging off the edge.

"What's your pain at?"

"It's been a steady four."

"It may go up when you start moving around, but it'll be okay. We'll do a dose of your pain medicine when you get back into bed if you need it."

Amanda nods, watching as Olivia kneels down to slip both socks onto her cool feet. She shivers as warm fingers brush over the tops of her feet and around her ankles as she adjusts the socks. The older woman squeezes both feet softly before standing up, a warm look taking residence over her features.

"Would you like me or Lieutenant Benson to help you stand up?" The nurse asks, and Amanda wishes she hadn't.

The brunette's title slams into her. They're still boss and subordinate. This is borderline inappropriate. She knows what she has to say. She needs to just let the nurse do it.

She's about to suggest that the nurse do it when she locks eyes with Olivia, who reaches her hands out, and the blonde is doomed. She can't say no to Olivia. Not even if she wanted to. She just can't.

"Olivia's fine." She mumbles, slipping her hands into the older woman's.

Standing up proves to be a bit more difficult than anticipated, but she manages through a few deep breaths. Her hands are now locked tightly on the taller woman's shoulders, legs shaking as they try desperately not to buckle. She feels Olivia's fingers tighten around her waist in effort to hold her up, and she looks up into brown eyes.

"Jesus, I'm short." She blurts, cheeks tinting red.

"I'm just wearing heels." Olivia smiles.

And then they're off.

They make quick, steady work. Amanda brushes her teeth, and the nurse helps her into her sweats and t-shirt while Olivia waits outside the bathroom.

A new thought moseys on through her brain as she and the nurse take a short lap around the room to stretch her her legs; Olivia will have to help her out with this stuff for the next few weeks while her body recovers.

And if _that_ doesn't scare her a little bit…

"You look exhausted already," Olivia quips, leaning against the wall next to her bed, arms crossed over her chest.

"Thanks, Liv, you look good too," She mumbles, just before a sharp ache stabs through her head. " _Fuck."_ She hisses, pressing her palm to her temple. Olivia rushes over immediately and takes her hand, helping the nurse get her back to the bed.

She does her breathing exercises as the nurse reattaches the drip to the short port hanging from her left forearm, and as the medication pump through her veins, she feels the headache begin to fade.

The younger woman doesn't remember seeing or hearing the nurse leave, but she notices immediately they she and the brunette are now alone; Olivia once again sitting in the chair next to her bed.

"Another memory?" Olivia asks, brushing blonde bangs from the younger woman's forehead.

"Kind of. I would call you Liv too?"

"Mhm." The older woman hums, brown eyes peering deep into blue ones. "Try to sleep now, you did well. I've gotta go soon, but maybe we'll try a stroll down the hall tomorrow after breakfast." She smiles, leaning back in her chair.

Amanda nods, a smile on her lips. Despite the medication being non-drowsy, she feels her body relax enough to ensure she'll get a good nap in. "Will you bring Jessie tomorrow?"

"Of course. If you're sure you're ready to see her."

The blonde closes her eyes and nods. "I'm ready."


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the long wait, I had a friend visiting from Michigan so I was very busy. But here is chapter five for you all! I hope you like it!**

* * *

 **Chapter Five.**

Amanda glances at the clock nervously every few minutes, counting down the seconds to Olivia and Jessie's arrival. The older woman had told her before she left the previous afternoon that she'd be over around 10 AM with Amanda's daughter. It's now 9:56 and the blonde's fingers are shaking.

She knows she shouldn't be nervous. The little girl remembers _her._ Amanda knows that deep down, she knows her daughter; she birthed her after all. It's just that the thought of making the baby upset or not doing something right scares the shit out of her.

9:58.

One thing Amanda has learned about the brunette is that she's always prompt. If she says she'll be somewhere, she's there exactly when she says she'll be. She doesn't know if that's good or bad in this case. She hears her heart rate pick up slightly in the monitor by her bed and she desperately wants to rid the machine from the room. She's getting out in two days, it's not like she needs it anymore.

It picks up a bit more when she hears tell-tale heels clicking outside her open door. Maybe she _does_ need the heart monitor.

Olivia breezes into the room confidently, Jessie sitting comfortably on her hip, holding a chunk of the older woman's hair in her tiny fist. Amanda realizes that she doesn't remember how big an almost two-year-old should be. Jessie has shoulder length curly blonde hair, face still cherub like a _baby_ baby save for the familiar looking cheekbones, her limbs are on the thinner side, almost as if she's petite (if babies can be considered petite). She's gorgeous.

She feels tears spring in her eyes. No recollection after seeing her. It's more devastating than she anticipated.

"Ivv! Ma!" Jessie squeals out, pointing at her mother. "Mamamamamama!"

"Yes, sweet girl, that's mama!" Olivia purrs, moving slowly over to the bed. She locks eyes with watery blue ones and smiles comfortingly, "do you want to hold her?"

The blonde nods wordlessly, watching in awe as the taller woman lowers the baby into her lap, who immediately straddles her mother's sore legs, chanting a garbled _mamamamama_ as she bounces excitedly, "oh, goodness," She groans, but unable to hide the grin on her lips. "Hello there, little peach."

She hears Olivia's breath hitch and she looks over to see the older woman, sitting in her chair, eyes wide and mouth agape, "you _remember_?"

Amanda shakes her head, noting that the dull throb hasn't spiked or done anything to indicate a memory. She wonders what Olivia is referring to, "remember what? Did.. did I say or do something that I used to?"

Olivia furrows her brows, "that's odd. You would always call her peach or sometimes peachy. Even when talking about her at work. I just.. Wow." She shakes her head, unable to hide her shock. "I'm surprised that didn't trigger a memory for you. How would you have thought to call her that?"

Amanda looks at the baby, now playing with the ends of her blonde hair, looking content as ever. "Her cheeks are round and pink like little peaches. It's the first thing that came to mind I guess."

Olivia smiles, eyes soft and head tilted as she watches mother and daughter bond as if nothing has separated them. Amanda feels the connection she hoped hadn't been broken when she first found out about the little girl. She feels that overwhelming amount of unconditional love for the little person in her lap, the little baby who looks just like her.

Jessie turns to Olivia and holds her small hand out, opening and closing it as if asking for something. "Ivv. Ba!"

Olivia tries to hide her smile, brown eyes dancing with amusement, "say, _pleeeeease."_ trails on, and it's immediately followed by the little girl's dragged out version of the word: " _Eeeeeeeas."_

Amanda falls in love with her mini version all over again. And the deep feelings she has for this motherly, nurturing, cute side of Olivia isn't too far off from the _L_ word either.

Olivia claps her hands twice before pulling a sippy cup full of some kind of juice out of a pink diaper bag. "I wasn't sure what kinds of drinks you give her but she seems to like this organic fruits and veggies blend from the market near my apartment." Olivia explains, handing the cup to Jessie. They watch as the little girl turns in her mother's arms, sinking down in the crook of her arm as she adjusts comfortably. Olivia can't help but laugh when she tucks her feet under the blanket.

"Seep?" She asks Amanda, and the blonde is stumped.

The little girl must be confused as to why her mother is in bed still.

"I was thinking we could go on a walk." Olivia tells Amanda, leaning against one side of her chair and crossing a leg over the other. "Maybe see if we can make it down the hall and back?"

Amanda nods, "I think I need to start walking if I'm gonna get out of here this week." She smiles, looking down at her daughter, who is picking at the bandage covering her IV tube over the top of her hand. "She's an easy-goin' little thing," she notes, eyebrow arched.

"Oh yeah, _very calm_. Except for when it's bath time. Or veggie time. Or bed time." Olivia smirks, squinting her eyes at the baby who squints right back, as if challenging the older woman.

" _No!"_ She squeaks defyingly, not even bothering to take her sippy cup from between her lips.

Amanda feels overwhelmed with emotion, so overwhelmed, Olivia leans forward and places a warm palm on her blanket covered knee, "you okay?"

The blonde nods quickly, reaching up with her free hand to wipe the falling tears. "Thank you.. So much."

The brunette seems to know what for, and instead of replying, she simply squeezes her friends knee softly. "I brought you some different pajamas for the next two days. I figure you don't want to be in the same pair for three days straight.." She smiles, pulling two different pairs of sweats and two large t-shirts out from the diaper bag. "I can go get a nurse to help you change and do what you need to do in the bathroom before we take our walk?"

"Thank you," Amanda nods, and turns to her daughter while Olivia finds the nurse that helped them last time.

"You sure are pretty, Jessie." Amanda hums, looking down at the content little girl.

The little blonde moves out from under the covers and slips down off the bed, nearly tearing the IV out of Amanda's hand in the process. "Oh shit, Jessie! Come here," She holds her arms out, but Jessie points to the door, standing steady on tiny sneakers,

"Ma! Ivv!"

Amanda pulls the covers back, a feeling of panic washing through her as the toddler scampers over to the open door.

She looks down, swinging a weak leg over the side of the bed. She can't lose her daughter the first time she meets her B.A. She can't-

A squeal interrupts her thought and she sees Olivia swoop into the room, picking the little girl up in one smooth motion, " _I don't think so,"_ She growls playfully, pressing kisses to chubby cheeks. Amanda sighs in relief as Olivia looks over at her, a coy smile on her face, "looks like she figured out you can't chase her."

Amanda pouts, "I was about to.. Or at least I would have if my damn legs would cooperate." She glares accusingly at her limbs as if they would apologize and start working properly again.

"We'll get there," Nurse Jennie smiles assuringly, moving to the side of the bed, arms held out. "Grab on and try and stand up as smoothly as you can."

It's surprisingly not as hard or painful as she thought it would be, but she's still left a little breathless. "How come my body is so sore if I was mostly injured in the brain?"

Olivia snickers at her words and she sends over a sly smile in return.

The nurse smiles as well, "You _did_ take quite the beating to your head but keep in mind, you fell down a flight of stairs; you fractured a rib on the left side and two on the right, as well as a hairline fracture to your Femur on your left leg. Fractures like yours don't take too long to heal but it leaves you sore for about a month. Especially if you're as immobile as _you've_ been."

Amanda nods, "That sounds painful."

"You tell me."

They walk towards the bathroom, Olivia lingering behind with the blonde's daughter.

Amanda gets a bit cocky at the fact that she's doing really well with very little pain and tries to speed up, but it fails and she winces as her left thigh buckles a bit. "It's painful," She grinds out, stopping for a moment.

"It'll get better the more you walk. We should've started sooner and continued to do it every few hours. You're spoiled." The older woman smirks, causing Olivia to laugh from behind Amanda. Amanda rolls her eyes but smiles. She's well taken care of is all, at least that's what she tells herself.

It doesn't take long for Amanda to brush her teeth, run a comb through her unruly hair, wash her face and change into a pair of black yoga pants and an oversized Creedence Clearwater Revival T-shirt. She looks better than she has in a few days, and she feels better too.

"We can get you in a real shower tonight if you want."

Amanda arches a brow at the short nurse, growing self-conscious, "why, do I smell?"

The older woman laughs and shakes her head, "of course not. But I figure you're craving one."

She's right. A shower sounds heavenly. Having a stranger see her naked not so much, but it's a small price to pay for some much needed steam to her sore muscles. "Okay, that sounds really good."

They make their way back out and Olivia's eyes brighten significantly, trailing over the younger woman's figure. "You look.. You look better. Great." She smiles shyly, rose tinting her cheeks softly as her eyes make their way back up to clear blue ones. "I never knew the extent of your affinity for classic bands, but I'm actually impressed." She smirks.

Amanda feigns shock, "I'm offended that you'd believe that I listen to anything but the _best_."

"I've endured the country music nonsense during a few stakeouts, Rollins." She jibes playfully, bouncing the little blonde on her hip. Jessie claps her hands and squeals as if she agrees with the older woman's comeback.

"Two traitors, I'm betrayed."

"Make that three," comes the nurse's voice from behind her. Jennie smirks as she shuts off the bathroom light, hand lingering at the blonde's back for support, "I gotta tell you, I can't get on board with country."

Amanda's mouth drops open at her nurse's response. "I can't believe this!"

…

She sighs shakily as she finally relaxes into her bed nearly forty-five minutes later, slightly out of breath and body pulsing with ache and exhaustion. She'd made it all the way down the hall, around the nurse's station, and nearly all the way back before Olivia had to hold her up while Jennie wheeled over a wheelchair to push her the rest of the way back. As bad as her legs hurt, particularly her left one, she'd let her daughter climb into her lap and squeal as Olivia pushed the both of them back into the blonde's room.

Jennie had graciously offered to take the little girl while Olivia helped Amanda back into bed, and when the blonde's arms were around the taller woman's neck for support, she couldn't help but press her body into the strong one holding her up in a grateful hug.

" _Thank you."_ She whispered into Olivia's ear, squeezing her arms tightly around the brunette's neck.

She's slightly embarrassed that she'd acted without thought, but it felt right in that moment, and the feeling of Olivia's arms tightening around her waist and her honey voice murmuring _you're welcome,_ was worth all the embarrassment in the world.

"So no memories today?" Olivia asks from beside her, holding a sleepy Jessie on her thighs. The little girl's head is resting on the older woman's chest, and she can't help but stare adoringly at the sight. They belong together; blood or not.

"No.. I'm not _too_ upset about it though. The headaches that come with them hurt like a bi- hurt a lot. I'm not worried about getting them back anyway. I know they'll come back sooner or later."

Olivia's brows furrow in concern, "don't you want to be able to remember things? Come back to work? Know the people you used to be around all the time?"

Amanda sighs, eyes softening, "of course, Liv. It's hard not knowing who I am or how I grew up or the things I went through, but I'm trying to be positive, here. Optimistic. What if I don't get everything back? If I worry about what I'm going to remember, I'll miss out on the new memories I'm making." _With you._ She doesn't let that part slip.

The shock on her friends face makes Amanda grin, eyes drooping lazily. She's tired but she likes this moment with Olivia. Something she has a feeling old Amanda might not have been able to share with the older woman.

"I bet the B.A. Amanda wouldn't have said something like that."

"B.A?"

"Before amnesia."

Olivia rolls her eyes but smiles softly, "No, no she- _you_ wouldn't have. You were pretty closed off."

"I don't feel closed off now, is that good?" She smiles, and she's toeing the line of flirting, something she's not entirely sure Olivia would be appreciative of. She arches a playful brow nonetheless; no sense in going back.

"I suppose it is. But you don't have much to be open about." She smirks, this time making Amanda roll her eyes. The motion makes her head a bit, but it's manageable. Anything is if she can have _this_ with the other woman often.

"Right. My two week old brain."

Jessie snores lightly against Olivia's chest and both women stare affectionately at her. "I think she has the right idea." Amanda yawns. "Do you have to leave?"

"I should get her in a bed," the older woman smiles softly.

"Let her lay with me," she replies quickly, blushing as she adds, "but I mean, if you have to get home, I understand."

"No, I can stay. I can probably get some work done while you two recharge your batteries. She hardly ever naps with me.. I think she wore herself out with all the excitement of seeing you today." Her eyes soften as she gets up and leans over Amanda, depositing the baby on the side away from all the wires and IV tube. "She missed her mommy."

Amanda follows the older woman with her eyes, sleepy and full of admiration. "I think I missed her too."

Olivia absentmindedly brushes Amanda's bangs away from her eyes as the blonde drifts off to sleep, humming a barely audible, "I know you did," before settling back into her chair and pulling her work laptop from her bag.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi everyone. Sorry about the weird way I've been updating. I haven't written for this story in a few weeks and I just now got back into the groove, so hopefully things will pick up again. I'm going to try and get this story finished and edited and updated before I start back up with classes this month. No promises though! I hope you enjoy this one, Amanda finally leaves the hospital!**

* * *

 **Chapter Six.**

Amanda lays awake a few mornings later. She doesn't know exactly what time it is, but she knows it's still very early. Gone is the sound of her IV drip, gone is the beeping of a heart monitor, the ringing of telephones in the distance and the smell of generic fabric soap, antiseptic and lemon pledge. In its absence is the smell of vanilla and spice, a warm cocoon of soft blankets and the hum of the ceiling fan. In its absence is Olivia's bedroom.

Olivia's home is exactly yet nothing like what the blonde expected. It's cozy and warm yet nearly impersonal with the lack of photos and intimate keepsakes that usually filled a home. From the moment she (re)met Olivia a week ago until they stepped foot into her apartment the afternoon before, Amanda had somehow assumed that Olivia kept all people in her life close to her, despite the air of privacy that always seemed to surround the older woman, she seemed like a family woman.

But the lack of.. _Everything_ personal.. Told Amanda that that is not really the case.

The headache that had taken permanent residence in her brain has dulled sufficiently since she'd finally crawled into this comfortable bed many hours ago, but it still thrums ever so lightly enough to remind her of why exactly she's here in the first place. To be taken care of.

She wishes she had protested Olivia's insistence on sleeping down the hall on the Living room couch, she wishes the woman had instead taken the empty spot next to her, woken up next to her, bathed in the soft morning light streaming through the thick cream curtains.

Due to the quietness of the apartment, she assumes that Jessie is still asleep in the guest bedroom. Olivia had offered to set up so that they could share, but Amanda had guiltily declined, nervous as to what she would do should the toddler wake up. Her body is still sore, hips feeling like there's an anvil on them at all times, left thigh aching from lack of use, and the knot on the back of her head still tender despite the fact that she'd hurt herself nearly a month ago.

A knock at the half closed bedroom door brings her out of her borderline painful thoughts and she sits up on her elbows, watching as Olivia, dressed in tight black jeans and a casual yet very professional looking blouse.

"Awake?" She asks quietly, stepping further into the room, two mugs in her hands.

The sweet aroma of coffee mixes with the vanilla spices and Amanda thinks she's in heaven. She smiles and sits up slowly, testing the intensity of her sore body. It's not bad this morning surprisingly. "I am," she tucks soft blonde hair behind her ears, "that smells so much better than it's supposed to."

Olivia chuckles and sits on the edge of the bed closest to the younger woman, handing a mug over, "I have to agree. I'll send _Keurig_ a thank you letter later."

After a few much-needed sips, Amanda tilts her head, "Jessie still asleep?"

The older woman nods, "she usually sleeps until about 8 or so." She looks at her watch and bites her lip, "It's almost 7:30 now. I was going to run out and get some things for breakfast." A smile pulls at her plump lips, "Do you think you can remember what you like to eat in the morning?"

Amanda arches a brow and her gaze flits over Olivia's form quickly. The thoughts that run through her mind surprise her enough to grab Olivia's attention. She responds before the other woman can though, "Anything but oatmeal and toast. I don't want to see that shit for another _ten_ years."

Olivia laughs, and it's that rare bubbly sound that seems to come from deep within. It's beautiful.

"No oatmeal or toast.. Got it. I'll just surprise you."

Amanda stops her as she begins to get up off the bed, placing a hand on the bent knee that the older woman had been sitting on. "Thank you.. Again.. You know for uh- for taking care of us. I still don't understand why you would but.. Thank you."

Olivia softens and for a moment, Amanda thinks she's about to cry, but instead, a sad smile spreads over her face. "We didn't get along for most of your time working with and for me.. But.. You're trying.. I can see it. I could see it before this craziness happened. And.. I'm trying too," Amanda tries to ignore the warmth of a palm that's now clutching her own hand on the older woman's lap, instead trying desperately to focus on the brunette's words, "in our line of work, there's not many people you can call 'friend.' It's hard to be close to people because of what we see.

"I want us to be there for each other. I'm so sorry it took you having to.. Having to lose such a big part of you for me to want it but I'm not sorry about what's happening now. Your memory will come back, and I will be here with you and _for_ you and Jessie through it all."

She clears her throat and looks down at their joined hands, cheeks tinted with pink blush, and Amanda suspects that Olivia usually isn't this open. To _her_ at least.

Without warning, she pushes forward on her knees, wrenching her hand away from Olivia's and wrapping her arms around the taller woman's neck. She doesn't know why she's hugging the other woman but nothing else but this feels right. She feels her boss's body tense for a moment and then cautious arms wrap around her waist.

And then Amanda is practically sitting on the other woman's thigh as they hug.

But surprisingly, it's not awkward. Instead, it's warm and soft and full of gratitude and a thrumming of various other emotions that neither woman want to broach just yet.

Amanda is overwhelmed by Olivia's scent at this point; the smell of vanilla spices, coffee, and now the sensual mixture of whatever shampoo and body wash the older woman uses mixes in and it's absolutely fantastic.

Her body responds to the hug like she hasn't ever had contact like this before and she pulls back slightly, eyes searching wide brown ones. She can see the confusion and surprise and panic etched into Olivia's eyes, and the blonde is one hundred percent certain it's because of this thing that's budding between them.

It sure as hell wasn't there before, not with the way Olivia reacts to it at least. And if it was, Amanda must have done a better job at hiding it before.

"I'm guessin' from your reaction that we don't hug often."

Olivia shakes her head, aloof, "I can't say that we do."

The blonde sighs and shrugs. "I like it though. I _like_ hugging you." The nervous clearing of a throat tells the younger woman that Olivia still isn't used to this openness between them. A surge of courage shoots through her and she smiles, "Frankly, Liv, the old Amanda sounds like a mess and that's not what _this_ Amanda wants. I'm gonna keep taking things as they come."

Olivia nods, a gleam in her eye, "It does suit you.. Doing things in the moment. I'm glad you're feeling better." She stands up, running her palms over her hips, "I'll be back at around 8:30 or 9 with breakfast.. Jessie should stay asleep for a while longer but if she wakes up while I'm gone, just put on some of the recorded cartoons I have in my DVR." She parts her lips, putting a palm up, "Don't worry, they're educational.. I didn't know what you let her watch or if you-"

"I don't know what I let her watch either.. So.. I trust your judgement." Amanda smiles softly, plopping gently back onto the bed with a wistful sigh. "Remember, no-"

"-Oatmeal or toast." Olivia recites sassily, shooting over a feigned glare before making her way out of the bedroom.

…

Amanda sits comfortably in the corner of Olivia's couch, eyes watching her daughter contently as she stands against the coffee table. Every time a familiar song comes on, Jessie slaps her hands against the surface and squeals along with it.

Olivia had left about thirty minutes ago, and Jessie was up about fifteen minutes after that. After _attempting_ to get the toddler to drink some juice or eat a banana to hold her over until Olivia returned, Amanda gave up and put the little girl's recorded cartoons on instead.

She doesn't mind just watching the fascination wash over her baby's face. The excitement when a particular character pops up on the screen or the attempts at mimicking the songs and words being shouted on the program.

Her head feels better; a lot better than she thought it would be after rising from Olivia's bed. Usually the change in height and angle shifted her brain and caused pains to shoot through her skull, but that didn't happen this morning. She assumes it's due to the change in lighting and the fact that Olivia's bed is the most comfortable thing on earth, and although she didn't sleep for very long, it had been her best night yet.

"Mama! ' _Ook!"_ Jessie squeals, pointing a chubby finger at the screen.

Amanda smiles brightly, looking at the bright yellow shoes the main character is holding, "What is that, Peach?"

Jessie jumps up and down as she tries desperately to pronounce "shoes" (but comes out "soos"). She can't help but feel proud at how smart the little girl is, and she can't help but feel a sense of pride at the fact that Olivia had said so herself. Of course, the older woman's approval doesn't really change anything, but it sends a torrent of warmth rushing through her veins nonetheless.

Both blondes go back and forth for a while longer, loud and unintelligible words being exchanged until half past 9am when they hear the lock and knob of the door.

" _Ivv!"_

TV show abandoned, Jessie sprints as fast as her short legs carry her to the open door, Olivia standing in the archway with two bags of groceries in each arm. "Hi sweet girl!" She shoots a smile towards Amanda, "Hi, mama. When did she get up?"

A shiver tingles up and down the blonde's back at the name and tone in which the other woman spoke. "About fifteen minutes after you left."

"Sounds about right. Who's hungry?"

Amanda gets up slowly, glad to not feel the pressure in her hips for once and makes her way to the kitchen with Olivia. "We're definitely hungry. Well, at least _I_ am. I tried to give her a banana to hold her off but she was pretty keen on watching cartoons." She smiles sheepishly, leaning against the counter. Her eyes watch every movement of the older woman as she prepares their breakfast.

"I think I may have spoiled her the past few weeks," Olivia admits shyly, "I didn't know what you usually gave her so I've been making different things. You'll be happy to hear that Miss Jessie here has a nicely developed pallet now." She jokes, picking the little girl up and pressing kisses all over her cheeks.

Amanda laughs, shaking her head, "That explains why a simple banana and orange juice didn't suffice this morning."

"Maybe so. And I don't plan on stopping. This is the first time in years I've had more than wine and the occasional takeout leftovers in my fridge. All this cooking at home has improved my diet immensely."

Amanda looks at the other woman's body quickly, but enough to somehow catch Olivia's attention. She blushes, "well, I think you look great.. Takeout diet or not."

The words seem to surprise Olivia. That must be one of those many off limits topics B.A. She is about to apologize for overstepping when the brunette sends a shy smile and a wink her way instead, flirtatiously adding, "now I know where Jessie learned to sweet talk."

…

Later that evening, all three of them sit comfortably on the couch, some educational program for toddlers playing. Jessie watches intently, the tips of her fingers somehow finding their way into a toothy mouth despite Olivia's constant reprimand.

"Have you um.." the older woman starts, turning her body towards the other woman slightly, "has anything come back to you at all? You haven't really remembered much since you woke up."

Amanda shrugs, leaning her head back against the couch cushion. "Bits and pieces sometimes. Not enough to bring back like.. A significant memory, but I remember things like.. How I don't like the color red, or how I take my coffee." She blushes, "I think I remember how you like your coffee too. I don't know how but, well when I took a sip of mine, it just kind of popped up. _I like my coffee with a shit ton of sugar and a little bit of unsweetened cream, Liv likes her coffee with one sugar and that's it."_

"Interesting way of remembering how you like coffee... and.. that's definitely how I like my coffee."

"How are your taste buds still in tact with all that bitter?" Amanda jokes, smirking as the older woman rolls her eyes.

"How is your body not rotting from the inside out with all that sugar?"

"Touche."

Olivia chuckles softly, warmly, and tilts her head, "Anything else?"

"I remember that.. I don't know why.. But I was sad a lot. I can't remember what makes me sad, but when I was with you and Jessie today, my first thought was, _It's good to feel this light again."_

Olivia's smile stays on her face but her eyes are now a deep cavern of understanding and care. "You.. went through a lot. I can understand why that melancholy feeling would carry over even after you've lost your memory."

"The thing is.. I don't know if I want those memories back."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it, Liv. I'm doing pretty well right now considering.. I'm not agonizing over anything or worried or frustrated.. Well.. I _am_ frustrated about not remembering some things like you or Jessie or my partner at work or _work,_ but.. I guess I'm just not worried about if I get my memories back. I can make new ones. You can tell me about things before the accident and get me caught up on who's who and all the important things. I can look at photos."

Olivia shakes her head and moves closer, but enough to avoid squishing an unbothered Jessie in between them. She places her hand on the younger woman's shoulder and squeezes. "What about work? You can't just.. Have someone fill you in on how to be a detective.. I don't know how it'll work out, because you still have all the paperwork and qualifications, but.. If you don't get your memory back, I don't know if you'll be able to get your job back until after you retake all the required exams.. You don't care about having to start over completely?"

"Obviously that's a big issue, but as you can see," she holds her arms out as if displaying the injuries that are hidden beneath her clothes, "I'm not exactly physically ready for work right now anyway. We can take things one step at a time."

That brings a laugh out of the other woman, "You're definitely not the Amanda I know."

"Well, sorry about that." The blonde defends, unsure of what the other woman meant by that.

"It's not bad, Amanda. It just means.. We'll all have a lot of adjusting to do. But like I said.. I'm here every step of the way. And.. And whether or not you want to come back to work for me again, I'm here to support you."

The younger woman scoots closer then, effectively pressing the little girl flush against both of them. "I know. And I know it's hard for everyone. But we just gotta work with what we have right now."

Olivia nods, a tight smile on her lips.

"Speaking of work.. What are _you_ gonna do?"

"I actually.. Took some time off. I thought about just going like usual and leaving you and Jessie to fend for yourselves," she pauses, smiling jokingly, "but I decided that I want to be here to help out as much as I can. At least until the doctor says you can do more things on your own like showering and going on walks and getting back into the mommy routine."

Amanda sighs at the aspect of having to relearn a few things when it comes to her daughter, and shudders at the thought of Olivia helping her in the shower.

She banishes those thoughts when her daughter stands up in between them, a hand on either women's shoulder.

"Ivv! Ma! Pay!"

So they play until bedtime.

Amanda can get used to this being a daily thing.


	7. Chapter 7

_**I am so freaking sorry.**_ **School has kept me so occupied lately and I haven't had time to both write and update. But I'm going to do my best to make time because I miss this story so much! Hope you enjoy this chapter–I've turned up the heat a few degrees. We've gone from pre-heat to a nice, low simmer. ;)**

* * *

 **Chapter Seven.**

 _From the dark hallway, Amanda observes the sight before her; taking in every movement and soft word spoken. Olivia puts Jessie to sleep quietly, with a motherly touch that the blonde thinks she could never, no matter how much she remembers, possess._

 _She steps forward slowly, careful to remain out of sight so she does not disturb the older woman and her daughter._

" _Sweet dreams, sweet girl," Olivia tells the toddler, fingers reaching over the safety bars of her small twin bed to caress a soft, pink cheek._

 _Amanda doesn't have to be looking into the other woman's eyes to see—feel— the longing there. It's not hard to know when someone is lonely and craving the only kind of company a family could provide._

 _The blonde decides right then and there that she'll be the one to give the brunette those things. She'll share her daughter and be the person Olivia deserves, she'll do everything in her power to give the older woman everything she wants._

 _She steps back as she sees Olivia stand up slowly, making her way out of the bedroom and quietly closes the door behind her. She gasps softly when her dark eyes connect with Amanda's bright blue ones, chocolate pools filled with shock and amusement. "I didn't know you were awake."_

" _Just got up." Amanda shrugs, stepping closer with a sense of bravery that may or may not be genuine. Olivia swallows thickly, visibly, when the shorter woman moves to stand right in front of her, wide eyes searching for some kind of answer to her unasked question._

 _What are you doing?_

 _As the taller woman's back presses against the coolness of her hallway wall, Amanda's front presses softly into hers. The blonde looks up, making sure to keep their gazes locked as she brings their bodies flush together in a devastatingly intimate position. It's new for both of them, and from the looks of Olivia's reaction, it's also a complete surprise._

" _Amanda-"_

" _You're so good with her, Liv." The blonde whispers, bringing a hand up to brush curly brown locks away from blushing olive cheeks. "You take such good care of her... Of me.."_

 _Plump lips part as a shaky breath expels from Olivia's tightly wound chest._

 _It only takes a few seconds for Amanda to fuse their lips together; for her fingers to tighten in the soft roots at the back of her boss's head. And it takes just a few more seconds for Olivia to completely relax into the kiss and wind her arms around Amanda's lithe waist._

 _She feels every curve and dip and arch of the brunette's body, she craves even more. Their lips part, teeth nip, and she feels the tip of a hot, wet tongue graze against her bottom lip and—_

Amanda's eyes snap open and she sits up quickly despite the protest in her head and body. Her body aches in a way that doesn't compare to the pain she's been feeling from her accident. This time it's not the stiff kind of ache she usually feels, it's more like a hot, coiled ache that starts in her belly and shoots out through her body.

A dream. It was a dream.

An incredibly vivid and detailed dream, almost rivaling a memory..?

She shivers at the thought of a dream about Olivia doing _this_ to her.

She shakes her head and runs her fingers through her matted blonde hair. She needs a shower.

It can't have been a memory though, because something so intimate like what her brain had conjured in her sleep requires reciprocated feelings, and so far, Olivia has only shown friendship and a level of professionalism when it comes to their.. Relationship? Whatever they have going. Things wouldn't be so polite and sometimes even a bit tense, so _new._

She looks at the alarm clock on Olivia's bedside table and sighs. 7:30 AM. She wonders if B.A. Amanda had been this much of an early bird. It seems to have engrained a routine into new Amanda without any regard on whether she actually _wants_ to wake up this early.

Trashing the idea of maybe getting a few more hours of sleep, she gets out of bed, tying her hair up into a slightly tangled ponytail, and makes her way into the kitchen as quietly as possible. She looks at the sleeping woman on the couch and bites her lip. Maybe they should trade places soon. That couch can't be amazing support. She pads into the kitchen, pouring a glass of the coffee she'd put on the previous night and putting it in the microwave.

"Amanda?"

That voice. The rasp of sleep and a smidge of confusion. It weakens the blondes knees as she turns to see the older woman sitting up, one hand propping her body up behind her on the arm rest, the other running through wavy brunette hair.

"You okay?"

Amanda nods silently, giving the other woman a shy smile, "Woke up early again. It seems to be a habit."

Olivia slips off the couch, folding her blanket sloppily and tossing it across the backrest before she makes her way into the kitchen. She's wearing a loose t-shirt and a pair of black capri leggings, and Amanda can't help her eyes from zoning in on two hardened nipples poking through the thin grey fabric. She looks away quickly before she's caught staring, instead focusing on on her fingers and the suddenly interesting contortions she can do with them.

"Are you sure you're alright?" The brunette asks softly, tilting her head in that endearingly understanding way. Amanda smiles sheepishly and shrugs,

"Yeah.. just.. Headache is all."

Olivia nods, moving around her to grab the blonde's prescription pain medication. "You haven't taken any of these since we got ho- here. I was wondering when or if you'd need them at all." She clears her throat, "Was it a memory that made your head hurt?" She hands two small pills to her friend.

Amanda dry-swallows the pills without complaint and shakes her head, "not exactly. Just a dream. I don't remember much of it." She lies, eyes averting to the microwave, willing the last fifteen seconds to turn into two seconds.

They both know it's not the truth but Olivia lets it go. Amanda is grateful.

The taller woman is about say something when they hear the distinctive nonsense chatter of Amanda's daughter, and they smile thoughtfully. Awkward moment temporarily alleviated.

"You finish your coffee, I'll get her." Olivia offers softly, letting her fingers graze the younger woman's hand softly.

Amanda didn't even notice that the timer had gone off on the microwave.

…

It takes nearly two hours for her to work up the courage to tell Olivia she wanted a shower, and when she actually mustered up the words, it came out as an embarrassingly - almost - unintelligible string of words; " _I was uh.. well, it's been a few days since… my hair is.. could we maybe.."_

Olivia's gracious enough to smile softly and lead the way to the master bathroom, Jessie in tow. She closes the door to keep the toddler in, setting a few toys and baby books on the floor near the bathroom door before moving in to start the shower.

"Bath or shower?" She asks professionally, and Amanda blushes.

"I think it would be worse trying to sit down and stand up in the tub.."

Olivia cracks a smile, hand under the spray as it warms. "Shower it is."

The blonde feels lucky that the older woman doesn't make things awkward, or at least remains calm and cool and collected as she draws the shower curtain closed and steps back. "What do you need help with?"

Nurse Jennie had gone over what to do before they left the hospital a few days prior but Amanda suspects that Olivia doesn't just want to assume what to do, and she's grateful. "I can get my underwear and sweats but my shirt may be a little difficult." Her ribs are mostly healed now that it's been about a month since the accident, but the tenderness still keeps her from lifting her arms high enough to remove her shirt.

"Okay. We'll get your shirt off first and then I'll turn around while you finish getting undressed, and then we'll get you in the shower. Does that sound okay?"

Amanda nods silently.

And it goes exactly as planned; Olivia remaining ever so modest as she keeps her eyes only on the younger woman's face as she helps Amanda step over the side of the tub, and when Amanda is safely under the warm spray of water, she closes the curtain. "I'll be right outside the bathroom with Jessie if you need help, okay, Amanda?"

"Thanks, Liv."

The next fifteen minutes is spent on the careful washing of a tender body, and Amanda prides herself on the fact that she didn't have to ask for help once, even though she came close when trying to reach her lower legs.

The thought of Olivia having to put her hands on any part of her exposed, wet flesh was motivation enough to do it all herself.

But now, the rest seems like a challenge, and she's mad at herself for being so achy and tired already.

She realizes that if she couldn't get her shirt off by herself, she sure as hell won't be able to wash her hair and scalp.

She takes a deep breath, swallows thickly, then opens the shower curtain a bit. "Olivia?" She mutters, watching the older woman as she sits on the floor with her daughter, pointing to various pictures in one of the little books she'd brought into the room for Jessie.

Brown eyes snap over to blue, an inkling of concern bleeding through her dark gaze. "You okay?"

"Yeah.. um.. I just…" She sighs dramatically, "will you please wash my hair?" She stammers out, bringing her fingers up to slightly curly, wet blonde ends.

"Of course." Olivia smiles, handing the book to Jessie. "Sweetheart, I'm gonna help mommy really quickly, okay?"

"Soh!"

"Yes, she's taking a shower." The older woman laughs as she stands up, moving to stand right at the side of the tub.

"I'm going to open this a bit but I won't look anywhere but your head."

Amanda wants to laugh at the older woman's need to voice everything she's going to do. It's endearing. "I may be bad at asking for help but that doesn't mean you have to use kid gloves with me, Lieutenant."

They both freeze. A blush spreads wildly across her cheeks and chest and she crosses her arms over her breasts, pulling the shower curtain back to see an equally blushing Benson. "I didn't mean for that to come off as sassy as it sounded." She tells the older woman apologetically, noticing the way Olivia's eyes flick down quickly over her body. She can't say that she minds the brief attention.

"It's alright, but sass was _very_ much like you." Olivia smirks, leaning forward to grab the shampoo. "Turn around and tilt your head back a bit."

"I have a few bruises and bumps from the accident." Amanda informs, turning around and tipping her head back, fully trusting the other woman to take care of her despite the need to warn her. She's not disappointed at the response she gets.

"I know. I'll be gentle."

The words are spoken so softly and smoothly that Amanda can't help but just tilt her head back a bit more and close her eyes. Despite the air of awkwardness from being naked in front of her boss, the blonde can't help but revel in this incredibly sacred and intimate moment.

Olivia's fingers work gently through her hair, painlessly disentangling each and every knot they come by.

Amanda wants this feeling forever.

"You're good at this."

Olivia chuckles softly, a low octave, from behind her that sends a shiver down her back. "Washing hair?"

"Well, that too." Amanda smirks, stepping forward to rinse the soap out of her hair. "But I mean taking care of people," she speaks over the spray, "other than Fin and Sonny, nobody's even checked in on me but you. I don't know what I would have done had you not been so willing to help me and Jessie."

The brunette is silent behind her as she begins to work conditioner into the younger woman's hair.

"Olivia?"

Conditioner slicken hands work their way out of Amanda's hair and smooth over narrow shoulders, squeezing gently.

"Taking care of you two is surprisingly easy," Olivia starts, hands still resting softly on the younger woman's shoulders. Fingers caress lightly as she continues, "the more I spend time with you and Jessie, the more I _want_ to take care of you. It's a scary thought, considering you're my employee." Her voice is still that same strong tone it usually is, but the amount of emotion imbedded within it is thick enough to cut with a knife.

Amanda nods, turning around, arms still covering her breasts. Conditioner is still in her hair and she needs to rinse it out but she locks gazes with her friend instead. "I won't be your employee again for a while, Olivia." She murmurs softly. The insinuation slipping out effortlessly.

Jessie babbles contently as both women stare at each other through the foggy steam of the shower. The brunette swallows visibly, eyes once again darting down and back up for a nano-second.

Things seem to be shifting drastically for Olivia, but for Amanda, they're falling comfortably into place.


	8. Chapter 8

**School though it could keep me from updating (it almost did). But here I am again with the next installment! PS. If you thought this would be angsty and up-and-down-emotional then you're sorely mistaken.. I am not capable of angst as hard as I try. So sorry. I only have romance and fluff and family and a tiny bit of drama (if you squint) to offer you all. ;)**

* * *

 **Enjoy, Rolivia lovers. We take a big step in this one.**

 **Chapter Eight.**

She admits that she should probably be more careful with how she acts and what she says to Olivia, because even though these feelings and emotions for Amanda are new and fresh and real, things are _completely_ different for the older woman.

She admits this to herself, acknowledges it (or tries to), but still fails.

She doesn't stop her eyes from lingering or wandering, she doesn't hide her smiles or flirtatious touches, and she kind of.. _Revels_ in the shock and distinctive longing in Olivia's brown eyes every time. And she knows she's not the only one who secretly enjoys this dangerous and addictive new territory; Olivia is just as guilty, as well as she (almost) hides it.

It's just days after the shower, and things are definitely different now. It's not necessarily bad, but just.. Different.

Olivia had to grudgingly go into work for a few hours to talk to a hostile victim earlier that day, and by the time she got home, emotionally and physically exhausted, the table is set and a lovely dinner is made. Amanda figures if she's going to mooch she may as well bring something to the table, literally.

Jessie greets the brunette with her usual enthusiasm, "Ivv! Ivvvvvv!" She shouts, bounding clumsily toward the older woman, who, despite the obvious fatigue, opens her arms and smiles brightly at the little girl, embracing the ball of energy with ease and relief.

Amanda smiles softly, amazed at the amount of unending love Olivia seems to have for her daughter.

"Hi, sweet pea! Were you good for mama today?" She picks Jessie up, running tanned fingers through soft blonde curls and gazes adoringly at the girl.

"Yes!" She points to the table excitedly, "eat?"

"I'm starving. Did you make all of this by _yourself?"_ She smiles coyly at Amanda, sitting down at the corner of the table, toddler still on her hip.

"Mama hep'd!"

"Yes, I merely assisted chef Jessie." Amanda rolls her eyes in good nature, bringing a glass of wine over to the older woman, taking note of the look of utter relief at the sight of alcohol. "You okay?"

Her head shakes, "That poor girl.. No family, no ties.. She was-" She cuts herself off, lips snapping shut. Amanda immediately realizes that she's wearing a look of devastation, an obvious differ from her original self. "I'm sorry, I.. For a minute I forgot you don't really.."

She nods in understanding, setting the glass in front of her friend, out of Jessie's reach. She takes the little girl, muttering about her high chair, then returns to Olivia's side when the little girl is strapped into her seat.

"You can still talk about it, Liv. Don't let anything bubble up, that's not very good."

"You're just.. As morbid as this sounds.. So _Lucky._ To not have to know these things anymore." Olivia sighs, sipping slowly from the stemware. "It never gets easier. I am reminded of that every time we lose a case." Her tone is hard, as if she's steeling herself to the heinous thoughts and memories of working in SVU.

"I don't know about _lucky_ , seeing as I don't remember _anything."_ She sees Olivia's face contort into guilt and immediately the woman is standing.

"God.." She breathes, "I shouldn't have said that… 'Manda, I'm so sorry." She grasps the younger woman's shoulders softly, eyes pleading and sad and full of remorse.

"I know what you meant by it, don't worry… I can't imagine right now... How you must feel after working a job like that." She smiles, hands reaching up to caress the silk sleeves of the older woman's blouse on her upper arms. "I like when you call me 'Manda, by the way… For future reference."

Olivia smiles slowly, "Duly noted. For future use."

They share a soft look, both women can feel the air lighten. "Now," the blonde squeezes the other woman's arms reassuringly, "Jessie didn't slave over a hot stove to let the food go cold, so.. _Git."_ She nudges the brunette to the table. Jessie giggles wildly at the mention of her name, garnering smiles from both women. "Tonight, our esteemed chef made a lovely pasta shell meal, doused with a _decadent_ and _creamy_ cheese sauce throughout, accompanied by toasted slices of sourdough bread, topped with garlic butter." She holds back laughter, but Olivia doesn't.

"So macaroni and cheese with garlic bread?"

"Well if you wanna make it boring, then yeah," Amanda's shoulders slump, but the wide smile on her face lets the older woman that she's not at all discouraged.

Olivia turns to Jessie, "How did you know that that's _exactly_ what I wanted for dinner, Jessie?"

"Tees!" Is the only response Olivia gets, and Amanda assumes it's her daughter's version of 'cheese.'

They chat lightly as they eat, occasionally complimenting Jessie, who is eating her food enthusiastically, albeit messily, on her master cooking skills. When they finish, stomachs full and plates empty, Amanda immediately shoos the older woman away and quickly clears the table, loading all the dishes save for the singular wine glass (she didn't have any wine because of her medication). They all reconvene on the couch, ready for relaxation until bedtime.

A thought springs into Amanda's head. "Why don't we have a sleepover tonight?"

Olivia arches a brow, untucking her blouse and kicking off her shoes, "isn't that what we've _been_ doing?"

"You could hardly call this a sleepover, Lieutenant."

"You're _sleeping over_ at my house."

"Not the same."

Olivia rolls her eyes, smiling lightly, "Okay then. Do tell, what shall we do differently to make this a proper sleepover, oh wise one."

Amanda ignores the teasing words and immediately sets off. "Well, we all have to sleep in the same room, and we have to watch at least one movie. Oh, and we have to wear pajamas while we watch."

Olivia arches a brow and purses her lips.

"Have you never had a sleepover before?" Amanda asks, eyebrows raised.

"No, Amanda, I can't say that I have. Have you?"

"I don't know."

Olivia laughs, "Then how are you so sure that these are the requirements?"

"I don't know.. It's weird. I _know_ things, I just don't remember specific events or things that happened to me. I just have an understanding of the universal things, like how use kitchen appliances and how to read and write and talk. I don't remember _how_ and _when_ I learned to do these things, I just know them."

Olivia shakes her head. "That is just.. Wow." She sighs and shakes off the brief shock and sadness, "Okay then, Rollins. Let's get into our pajamas and put on a movie in my room."

"We're going to sleep in your bed?"

"I may be fine with taking the couch but I sure as hell am not sleeping on the floor. I'm too old and brittle to be doing that now."

Amanda stands up, taking Jessie into her arms when the little girl reaches for her. "Brittle my a- butt." She clears her throat, eyes roving over the older woman's body as she stands up, "you look... fit."

A dark eyebrow arches, lips quirk. "Oh?"

It's the first time Olivia has said or done anything remotely close to flirting, and it sends a jolt through the blonde.

"That's what I said." She stands bold, refusing to cower under the dark, almost predatory gaze of her friend. "You look like you could outrun a college student."

"Maybe five years ago."

Amanda rolls her eyes and moves towards the bedroom, "That's beside the point." She looks to Jessie, smiling, "Wanna pick out Liv's pajamas, little peach?"

"YES!" Jessie squeals as Olivia groans, "No."

So, twenty minutes later, Olivia is wearing a pair of silky purple pajama pants and a matching purple tank top, graciously picked out by Jessie. Amanda didn't oppose to the set. Olivia had swiped the pajamas from the younger woman's hands, expressing explicitly that she had no idea where she got them, but grudgingly put them on in the bathroom.

"Sof," Jessie murmurs, stroking the fabric on Olivia's belly as they now lay curled up on top of the duvet. Amanda watches from the bathroom, eyes gazing adoringly at the pair, who have definitely grown close over the past month. She's in awe, which is the only word she can use to describe the feeling she gets when she watches these kinds of moments, the gentleness and love the older woman has for the blonde's daughter.

The television in the older woman's bedroom is on, ready to play _Finding Dory_ as soon as they're all settled into bed.

"Chef's pick." Olivia informs the younger woman, an amused smile on her beautiful lips.

"Lay, mama! Doh-y!"

"I'm coming," she quickly moves to Olivia's side of the bed, popping her nightly pills into her mouth and swallowing them dry.

"Any pain today?" Olivia asks, and Amanda can't help the hitch in her breath as she looks at the older woman up close. Arms, shoulders, and a modest amount of chest exposed, face clear of makeup, wavy brown hair cascading softly around tanned cheeks. She's devastatingly beautiful.

Amanda clears her throat, seemingly for the billionth time in only a few hours, and shakes her head. "Not much. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again." She pauses, reconsidering her words, "I-"

"I get what you meant." Olivia laughs. "I'm glad though. It was.. Hard.. seeing you in so much pain."

"Don't get me wrong, I still feel sore and all, but it's more like that kind of post-workout kind of ache." Olivia nods understandingly and Amanda climbs into bed, each woman now laying on either side of Jessie. The little girl is still curled up against Olivia's body, but she still reaches over and grabs her mother's arm, pulling it over her small torso so that she can cuddle it.

Amanda feels the older woman's chest tense. She feels it because the back of her hand is now resting against the top of a full breast; not quite touching the intimate area, but closer than her hand should be. She tries to lift her hand, but the little girl who started it all grunts in protest, holding on tighter.

"Jessie, baby, can I have my hand back?"

"No."

She sighs in exasperation, eyebrows knitting together. She needs to learn how to be the alpha when it comes to her daughter, apparently.

Before Amanda can demand her arm back from the surprisingly tight grasp of her daughter, Olivia does something that shocks both of them. She reaches up and laces their fingers together, silently telling the other woman that it's okay.

She can feel the curve of the brunette's breast against her wrist, the slight bump of a nipple, and the entire warmth of Olivia's hand. It's too much and yet completely not enough.

They stay like that for the duration of the movie, Jessie having fallen asleep merely twenty minutes in. It was an unspoken decision to stay exactly how they started out, all three nearly cuddled up together in the middle of the bed.

…

When Amanda wakes up the next morning, they're still entwined, this time, without Jessie in the middle. The little girl had somehow migrated to the other side of Amanda, body spread out like a starfish while both women lay curled together. Amanda sits up, taking a few pillows from the foot of the bed and placing them under the covers near the edge of the bed by Jessie, then turns back to Olivia, whose eyes are fluttering as she approaches the end of her sleep.

"Hey," Amanda whispers, propping herself up on her elbow.

Olivia hums softly, foggy brown eyes gazing softly at the younger woman. Her eyebrows rise, "Jessie?"

"You mean Chef Starfish?" She jutts her chin over her shoulder, and Olivia sits up, peering at the sleeping toddler. A laugh escapes her lips as she lays back down, throwing an arm over her head and letting her eyes slip back closed.

So help her, God. Amanda wants to lean down and kiss her. Just one kiss, to see what it's like. To feel her closest friend's lips against her own. She knows she shouldn't. It could change so many things- good and bad- should she regain her memory. But the overwhelmingly unquenchable desire shoots through her like hot daggers; almost completely unavoidable, definitely completely too intense to ignore.

So she scoots closer, watching Olivia's eyes slide back open, then widen. She doesn't move as their gazes lock, instead she searches the other woman's eyes for any red flags or indicators to stop. When she sees nothing, she leans down, fingers reaching up to tentatively brush a blushing cheek.

"'Manda.." Olivia murmurs, as if telling her, _You better know what you're starting._

Amanda smiles, "I love when you call me that."

"You used to hate it." Olivia replies, eyes darting down to the blonde's pink lips. The arm above her head moves down, and a cautious hand slides around Amanda's upper arm, grasping it like it's the only thing that will ground her.

A light snore from behind them tells them that they're still safe from tiny eyes. They know nothing even _close_ to PG-13 can happen, but that doesn't stop Amanda from smirking, fingers pressing against Olivia's cheek with more confidence.

"Maybe I'm changing."

Olivia looks at the younger woman's lips one more time before moving back to blue eyes.

It's all the confirmation Amanda needs.

She leans down and touches her mouth to Olivia's softly, simply _feeling_ for the moment. A breath is expelled into her mouth, a plump pair of lips finally reciprocating, and the younger woman deepens the kiss by a single degree, taking every valuable second to memorize the exact feel of the brunette's kiss.

Something deep inside Amanda tells her she's waited a _long_ time to taste this woman's lips.


End file.
